I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions for this year. Not one. Nada. Aucunes. “But Luke!” I hear you gasp, “Don’t you know that you must make a New Year’s resolution in order to appease the god of New-Yearness?! At least make one, preferably involving fluffy creatures or self-improvement, otherwise he’ll climb down your chimney every night and curse you to a year’s worth of instant coffee and stale corn flakes before carefully putting holes in your socks and farting on your crockery!”
That may be, dear reader, but I am already a step ahead of you and your imaginary Santa/student hybrid deity: I already have holes in my socks and I am presently halfway through the side-plates…
I am not completely against New Year’s resolutions; I just have decided that a New Year’s resolution is best not made when one is still coming down from the binge-fest-sugar-high that is the Christmas period. In such a state we mustn’t be surprised that we make such overly-optimistic statements such as “I’m going to invent an alternative to petrol by using pixie dust, unicorn hoof-clippings and Tyrannosaurus-Rex!” or “I’m going to eat healthier by eating nothing but fruit, vegetables and low GI bread even though I haven’t gone a day without meat since before I started teething!”. These kind of wild and borderline-delusional oaths will soon fall flat once the reality of normal life hits us. I give this type of resolution a 1 month life-span before you either give up or end up munching dried prunes in a car that, curiously, you never need to top up with petrol…
This means that right about now you are feeling guilty about having broken some, if not all, of your resolutions. It’s not the end of the world, but you probably feel a little disappointed with yourself.
But there is hope! You can redeem your resolutions! I decided to make some New Year’s resolutions this week that are not face-meltingly unrealistic, and I’ve decided to share mine with you out of the goodness of my own heart. However, should you plagiarise (which you will want to do as soon as you read them because they are coffee-percolatingly good) please reference me:
1) Get fit and have a six pack that I can open beer bottles with.
2) Buy new socks.
3) Eat healthier (you know, vegetables and stuff).
4) Lose weight (to lose the christmas belly).
5) Get new crockery.