I was daydreaming during class the other day whilst my students were busy and I had an idea for a movie that was so coffee-percolatingly brilliant that I immediately came to the conclusion that I was wasting my time as a teacher and that I should make myself some coffee.
“But Luke,” you ask so reasonably, “don’t you think that you’re getting a little carried away?” Carried away? Carried away?! Perhaps I should explain my idea to you; then you would gush “Oh my! Luke! Your story makes Harry Potter look like an infant’s nonsensical crayon scribblings, and it kicks the butt of Eragon, The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe, Twilight and Game of Thrones without even trying!” And I would say “Yes. Yes it does.” The idea is so good I’ve heard that Israel and Palestine have decided to combine and create a new country called ‘Israestine’, based purely on the vibes of awesomeness that have been emanating from Cape Town since that fateful day in the classroom.
I’m expecting Quentin Tarantino, Steven Spielberg, President Jacob Zuma and President Barack Obama to call by the end of the day.
I’m caught in two minds about whether or not I should share my idea with you, because I’m not sure your body will be able to handle the pure amazingness of it. If you are pregnant, suffer from epilepsy or have a nervous disposition you should probably look away now.
The book/movie will be a love story, but also a thriller and a horror, because it’s a love story between a teenage girl and a, wait for it…zombie. There. I did it. I told you. Now your brain just exploded.
Let me explain further, thereby rupturing your spleen. It will be a love story because the girl will be like, “OMG! My hot mysterious classmate from school is, like, totally a zombie!” It will be a thriller because there will be a psycho zombie-killer hunting the zombie and the girl. It will be a horror because at the end there will be a total zombie apocalypse like in Dawn of the Dead.
However, it won’t just be the plot that’s good; the dialogue will be phenomenal! Below I’ve decided to spoil you with a selection of some of the best lines:
Girl: Oh Zombie Boy! We’re just 2 star-crossed lovers with the world against us! Do you think we’re gonna make it?
Zombie Boy: Uuurgh….[gurgle]…braaaains.
Girl’s Father: You can’t see her anymore, we don’t want any of your kind around here!
Zombie Boy: Braaaaiiiiinnnnsss.
Girl’s Father: Aaaaarrrgghhh! My spleen!
Girl’s [now zombie] Father: Braaaaaaiiiiins.
Girl [has just become a zombie so she can eat brains with her boy forever]: Braaaiiins?
Zombie Boy: Braaaaiiins!
I really should apologise to you now because the rest of your life is going to be downhill from here.