The Birthday Baboon

Three days ago I handed in my masters thesis and, now that I have my life back, I decided that one of the steps towards reintegration into normal life should be writing a blog post or two. Technically what follows is not a completely new post, merely the completion of a draft that I started on one of the rare occasions that I had spare brain-space over the last 2 years.

A while ago I was thinking about those big yearly events that mark our passage through another 365 days of life. All of them, as well as being important for families, are significant for businesses. Shops thrive at Christmas, around Valentine’s day and during Easter. Eggs, bunnies, hearts, cards and wrapping paper go flying off the shelves at a breathtaking pace.

An important aspect of each of these holidays is the branding. Christmas has Santa and his elves, Easter has the bunny, Valentine’s day has Cupid. Somewhat bizarrely, I think, there is no mythical character for birthdays. Surely this is a missed opportunity – an opportunity that I plan on benefiting from.Today I propose to you a mythical mascot for Birthdays: the Birthday Baboon. Now before you scoff and mock this admittedly odd idea you should let me explain: then you will marvel and wonder at my innovative brilliance…or not.

The Birthday Baboon delivers gifts to children around the world. He enters the house at night and poops out presents all over the house from his magical pink backside. In order to best benefit from this benevolent beast wrapping paper that ressembles poop will be sold so that on your birthday morning you can search the house for Baboon faeces. Parents will be able to say to their kids “If you want the baboon to poop all over the house you’d better be a good boy / girl!” If the rowdy ragamuffins fail to heed his warning then the parents can purchase ‘child-friendly’ baboon poop from their nearest retailer and strategically place it around the house.

Birthday cards will no longer have the banal “Happy Birthday” message on the inside. Instead you will read the much better “May the Birthday Baboon poop on your bed!” After a while it will become common for friends and family to wish one another similarly-worded blessings.

Coinciding with the launch of the products will be a children’s cartoon series that follows our beloved baboon travelling the world pooping presents from his pink posterior in the homes of the poor and marginalised – driving home the point that he’s benevolent and jolly. The theme tune of this show will become the official birthday song. Included below are some of the lyrics (sung to the tune of the regular ‘happy birthday’ song ) :

May the Baboon poop for you
Mat the Baboon poop for you
May the Baboon poop for …
May the Baboon poop for you.

May he poop on your floor
And take a dump on your bed
And fill your shoes with his faeces
May the Baboon poop for you!

Obviously there will be several similar verses, I haven’t even used the word ‘excrement’ yet.

Do you think that I’m overlooking another potentially lucrative holiday character?


About Luke

Daddy of two boys, husband of one exquisite wife. Fun-pursuer, baby-rocker, nappy-changer, lover-of-learning, Jesus-follower, music enthousiast and consumer of good food and drink. I want to make the world better and help people fulfil their potential.
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